from the pages of my journal

Broadway shut down yesterday.
God, so much is happening.
Every day new cases, new updates, new policies, new estimates.

Happy Apocalypse Pi Day, world.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know it’s going to hurt.

suddenly I was crying for every time I’ve said “so long” not knowing if or when I’d be saying hello again.

Maybe if I could stop thinking about it every second of the day, it’d stop.
that if I just let him in, the world would feel right side up again
I wonder if “empty” is a stage of grief.

I want to write more of the good moments
The morning sunlight, the birdsong, fresh coffee…

feeling so loved it almost made me cry

I’d do anything for these little monsters.
My friends and loved ones show up for me time and time again.
Like! Who does that!

I hope we make it through this.
Being unable to breathe is a terrifying way to die.

A reply called the daughter a hero, but the mom retorted: No. She’s a sacrifice demanded by the elites.

Earlier this year I deep-cleaned my room — the junk under the bed,
the throw rugs, the bags, the spiderweb in the corner—
and marveled at the dust and grime I had been living with, unseen, for a year.

The pandemic is like that.
Revealing all the grime we’ve been living with.

FUCK.

This was supposed to be the beginning of a beautiful summer.
There will be no beaches open, no place to travel to, no concerts, no parties, no Pride.
It’s like we’re suspended in a bubble called pandemic while the Earth turns and ages and blooms around us.

Sometimes I practice unreality, just to see if I’d perceive the difference.
My insides are a thicket of crushed twigs where there once was a forest.

I’m being melodramatic.

There are a few positives, though.
Today, I am grateful for the true friends.
I’m sunburned as hell but my heart is fuller than it’s been in a long time.

Forests sometimes burn in order to be reborn.
And I kind of missed her, this version of me.

Here’s to the mourning in growth.

Two months have felt like two years.
I can’t believe this year is almost over.
I…hate this year.

It just doesn’t feel like this world is worth staying in.
But as I wrote that something inside kicked.

I think I’ll make it through, somehow.

A professional lifelong learner.